Sunday, June 19, 2011If only I were beautiful...
I say this to myself all the time. And then I try to banish these thoughts and force myself not to be superficial and to stop emphasizing so much on the exterior. There is more to a person that how he or she looks like. I don't deny that. I realize that. I know of that fact.
But how can I stop these thoughts from gnawing at me endlessly, everyday?! I feel as if they are a part of me. Constantly not satisfied with how I look. Wishing I could look like someone else. It frustrates me that I think these things. 'Cos they hurting. And it is so stupid of me to be hurting myself, on the inside. As if life isn't tough enough already, without me making it so difficult for myself to feel good about anything. Yet, the more I push back these thoughts. The more I try to shove them away into some unknown, buried region in my brain. The fiercer they become. The moments when they do escape from the mental cage that I try to trap them in, they are twice as vicious at their attacks. They become harder and harder to tuck away.
The two sides of me are at war. One screaming insults and making me feel like dirt. And the other, feeding me with guilt for thinking this way when I know that there people who have it much worse. At least, I am here. I am alive and 'normal'. I drench myself in guilt for being such an ingrate. Either way, both sides of me make me feel like crap. Either guilt-ridden or consumed with self-loathe.
It just gets worse.
I don't know how shut them up. I don't know how to look in the mirror and not feel like complete trash. I don't know how to stop emulating an image I can never achieve. I don't know how to stop feeling inferior, or guilty and just be content and grateful. And it bothers me 'cos I WANT TO FEEL THAT WAY. I want to be happy with who I am.
But how can I when I hate myself.
And how can anyone love me when I find so hard to love myself.
Everyone wants to be born perfect and beautiful. Everyone wants to be talented and achieve their dreams. These are normal feelings. I try to stop wallowing in self-pity like a complete loser and make something of myself. I try to distract myself with things. And I let out my negative feelings here. Hoping that once I do a mental detox and I get the bad stuff out of my system, there would be nothing left but the good.
How unfortunate that clearing out the bad only leaves me feeling empty. Emotionless.
There is no good in me.