Sunday, June 19, 2011

If only I were beautiful...

I say this to myself all the time. And then I try to banish these thoughts and force myself not to be superficial and to stop emphasizing so much on the exterior. There is more to a person that how he or she looks like. I don't deny that. I realize that. I know of that fact.

But how can I stop these thoughts from gnawing at me endlessly, everyday?! I feel as if they are a part of me. Constantly not satisfied with how I look. Wishing I could look like someone else. It frustrates me that I think these things. 'Cos they hurting. And it is so stupid of me to be hurting myself, on the inside. As if life isn't tough enough already, without me making it so difficult for myself to feel good about anything. Yet, the more I push back these thoughts. The more I try to shove them away into some unknown, buried region in my brain. The fiercer they become. The moments when they do escape from the mental cage that I try to trap them in, they are twice as vicious at their attacks. They become harder and harder to tuck away.

The two sides of me are at war. One screaming insults and making me feel like dirt. And the other, feeding me with guilt for thinking this way when I know that there people who have it much worse. At least, I am here. I am alive and 'normal'. I drench myself in guilt for being such an ingrate. Either way, both sides of me make me feel like crap. Either guilt-ridden or consumed with self-loathe.

It just gets worse.

I don't know how shut them up. I don't know how to look in the mirror and not feel like complete trash. I don't know how to stop emulating an image I can never achieve. I don't know how to stop feeling inferior, or guilty and just be content and grateful. And it bothers me 'cos I WANT TO FEEL THAT WAY. I want to be happy with who I am.

But how can I when I hate myself.

And how can anyone love me when I find so hard to love myself.

Everyone wants to be born perfect and beautiful. Everyone wants to be talented and achieve their dreams. These are normal feelings. I try to stop wallowing in self-pity like a complete loser and make something of myself. I try to distract myself with things. And I let out my negative feelings here. Hoping that once I do a mental detox and I get the bad stuff out of my system, there would be nothing left but the good.

How unfortunate that clearing out the bad only leaves me feeling empty. Emotionless.

There is no good in me.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I haven't written here because I have been keeping it all inside. And it's building in me. That wall that I will eventually have to erect to protect the people around me from myself. 'Cos it is not them that I am afraid of, it's myself.

It's a dark cloud that has been growing steadily. Increasing in its darkness and ominous blackness as it began to spread all over me. It's in me. It's a disease. I have tried hiding from it. I have tried to fix myself. I have tried. I spent money trying to change the way I look, to no avail. And now I think of all the money that I just threw down the drain at these futile attempts at improvement and I wanna slap myself. With enough force to snap my neck back and twist it round such that I would be mercifully saved from living the rest of my dismal, insignificant, lonely life.

Yes, it is possible to feel lonely in a room full of people.

Because you know they don't really care. They think nothing of you. And how can they when you think nothing of yourself?

I feel sorry the people that have to look at my disgusting face and lay eyes on it. When they can look at something much prettier and more pleasant. I'm sure I don't make their day any easier by being such an eyesore. If I could just hide in the darkness of my room, forever. I would. If I could find an OUNCE of self-restraint in myself to stop eating like a vicious pig every time, I would. If I had the courage to destroy myself, I would. But I am the worst kind. I am a self-pitying coward. Who is deserving of every single demeaning thought that I've thought within myself, about myself. I deserve it. 'Cos no one knows me like me. Hence, why I hate myself.

They only know the smiling, 'happy' person who is only doing this for their sake. I am only smiling 'cos I want you to be comfortable. I am only slathering myself with so much makeup just to cover up my flaws. So that you dun have to swallow your vomit, everytime you look at my face. And I wear those loose tees to spare you from looking at the DISGUSTING expanse of fats that my bones seem to be clinging to. But I cannot keep up with appearances. It is driving my insane. And I am tired.

I am tired.

I have to detach myself. Slowly. Maybe then the feelings of loneliness will evolve to mere emptiness for which I will eventually get used to. My family is not one that would shower me with love. My friends are too busy with their own lives to care. And why should they?? Am I so important that I should be in their thoughts? And invading their lives like some sort of plague? NO. even I know I don't deserve it.

So let me think about myself for myself. And spare everyone the agony of thinking about me. Only I have to bear the horrid routine of waking up to THIS ugly face. No decent person would love me enough to be afflicted with that torturous routine.

I just want to hide myself. I just want to disappear from this world. No one will have to know. No one will care. If I hide or disappear, won't the world be a much more beautiful and better place? And yet, I drag myself to work and put on that fake mask. I keep fooling the world. I keep lying to everyone.

And the hate just continues to build.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Today, I can't seem to stop the pain that is pulsing from my heart to every inch of my body. It isn't sickness. It is realization. And along with it, disappointment.Why am I so trapped? And restricted.Not just by my financial status or parents... My entire life from that fateful moment I was born to the development of my identity and my 'talents', they are all limitations.

They suffocate me.

I can't do what I want to do. I will never experience that luxury of following my passion and doing what I love. I will never have that opportunity to go where I want to and live my life in the way I have always dreamed of.

And every chance fades into nothingness with every year that passes and I get older. They are years I can never take back. They will never return, my youth disappears and I am still the nothing that I was before I was even conceived. My goals, still as far away from me as they were the day I thought of them.

This country is a coagulation of losers. And I am one of them.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Let the preparations begin.

Mom has been really busy with the wedding planner and doing all sorts of massively important things such as picking out the right shade of white for the napkins and auditioning pianists for the big event. She hardly has any time for her dear daughter. Not that I can complain seeing as there is no one for me to complain to. The house is forever empty.

Just like this marriage.

My 'wonderful' stepdad Brian is busy busy busy with his work, closing off deals and meeting important people. He lets Mom handle the wedding issues. After all, the finger he needs to lift for this whole extravaganza is his thumb and index finger to pull out his credit card. Ben is never at home either. One would think that this would be a happy occasion for a family. The merging of two broken families in order to become a whole one. Me and Mom with Brian and his son, Ben. And to be honest, I got a teeny bit excited when I found out that I'll finally have an older brother. This is the dream of little girls everywhere, to have a big brother who will protect you and be your friend.

I guess dreams are meant to crash and burn.

Or at least mine are.

Ben is hardly at home and when he is, he is either drunk or bruised or drunk. I heard from talks around school (unfortunately, Ben and I go to the same one) is that Ben has been 'celebrating' like a mad man. Hitting clubs and bars every night like there is no tomorrow. I can't say that I don't feel a slight twinge of worry, seeing as he is (whether he wants to or not) my brother and if he keeps this up, there won't be a tomorrow for him. I don't know what to do. Should I talk to him? Even though the only time I ever said a word to him was during the engagement party, and as heart warming as the words, "Could you pass me my punch?" are, our relationship is so far from brother-sister.

It isn't my place.

Like how it isn't my place to tell Mom to stop the wedding 'cos I don't like Brian. Which I don't. At all. His smile is fake and his words always sound like lies. Mom should know this after her experience with Dad. Dad is a liar too. I guess Mom has a soft spot for Losers.

But it's not all bad news. Today Mom promised to take me out shopping on the fitting day. We'll be headed to the tailors to get our dresses fitted for the big day and she promised we'd have a fun mother-daughter day. I guess she FINALLY took some notice after I started yelling the song 'All by myself' in the shower. Subtlety has always been one of my biggest strengths. My bridesmaid dress is pretty. Strapless, fun and yet with a sophisticated touch that shines with it's pearly beige colour. I can't say that I would not want to wear it. And since Brian payed for everything, the least I can do is to be civil around him.

Yes, that's what I'll do. I'll be civil and tame and I will not brood and mope. Mom seems happy doing stupid bride things and planning the big event. And it's not like Ben is messing with my life. Why should I care if he is messing up his? Everyone is busy being happy. So I should try to be too... The wedding is something we ALL should look forward to.

But what is gonna happen after the vows have been recited and our life as a 'loving and happy family' begins?

Guess I don't have a choice but to find out.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

This isn't because I just watched Alice in Wonderland but I'm beginning to feel a lot like her. Hanging with a new crowd, even I get lost with all the irrelevant names being flung around in every direction.

I get it. Socializing is mandatory in parties. But since when is it mandatory to enjoy it? I mean, it would've been nice if Mr Whatshisname would talk his eyes off my chest and actually looked in my face in that 20 minutes we spent 'talking'. I don't really understand the dynamics here. I don't care about what he says, and he CLEARLY doesn't give a rat's ass about whatever that comes out of my mouth.I don't understand why I had to waste 20 minutes of my life pretending that I cared.

Oh, right. One word, three letters. M-O-M.

I suppose it matters what her country club bitches *ahem* I mean FRIENDS think about her. Especially since she'll be marrying that Brian guy soon. Third time's a charm, huh, mother? I have nothing against Brian. He's a perfectly nice, boring middle-aged man. But after what happened in her last marriage, Mom was careful to find a candidate with the money. And Brian sure has got lots of it. I guess having our house seized and almost becoming dirt poor gave my Mom a real scare.

Poor Mom.

Poor Brian. I hate to tell him that his paycheck is what Mom would really want to marry. I feel mean saying this. But it doesn't lessen the fact that it is a real fact. So, Mom's engagement party this time was several shades more lavish than her last. The Hilton Hotel has a cozy function hall to fit our 200 closest friends and relatives. Haha... Understatement of the century. The gorgeous lilies and elegant bouquets with the lovely buffet over endless glasses of champagnes got the thumbs up from all the freeloaders who came on an empty stomach and full of congratulatory wishes. Mom was beaming. I guess that's what counts, right?

Not the fact that I saw Brian arguing with a strange lady outside the function hall whilst the party was in full swing? I knew she wasn't on the guest list.

Not the fact that Mom kept lying about my grades and humble upbringing?

Not the fact that I have this vague certainty that Brian is cheating on Mom. And worse, Mom knows but is simply turning a blind eye so as to enjoy her moment in the 'it' crowd?

In the midst of all this, I still look for inspiration and beauty. 'Cos I know procrastinating is what I do best. I don't know why I'm typing this but I had to. I am friendless. A nobody. There isn't really a need to keep things private. These have become my public affairs.

Even Alice has her troubles with the Queen of Hearts. Especially when it's the Queen's heart that is at stake.

Off with my head.