Sunday, June 12, 2011

I haven't written here because I have been keeping it all inside. And it's building in me. That wall that I will eventually have to erect to protect the people around me from myself. 'Cos it is not them that I am afraid of, it's myself.

It's a dark cloud that has been growing steadily. Increasing in its darkness and ominous blackness as it began to spread all over me. It's in me. It's a disease. I have tried hiding from it. I have tried to fix myself. I have tried. I spent money trying to change the way I look, to no avail. And now I think of all the money that I just threw down the drain at these futile attempts at improvement and I wanna slap myself. With enough force to snap my neck back and twist it round such that I would be mercifully saved from living the rest of my dismal, insignificant, lonely life.

Yes, it is possible to feel lonely in a room full of people.

Because you know they don't really care. They think nothing of you. And how can they when you think nothing of yourself?

I feel sorry the people that have to look at my disgusting face and lay eyes on it. When they can look at something much prettier and more pleasant. I'm sure I don't make their day any easier by being such an eyesore. If I could just hide in the darkness of my room, forever. I would. If I could find an OUNCE of self-restraint in myself to stop eating like a vicious pig every time, I would. If I had the courage to destroy myself, I would. But I am the worst kind. I am a self-pitying coward. Who is deserving of every single demeaning thought that I've thought within myself, about myself. I deserve it. 'Cos no one knows me like me. Hence, why I hate myself.

They only know the smiling, 'happy' person who is only doing this for their sake. I am only smiling 'cos I want you to be comfortable. I am only slathering myself with so much makeup just to cover up my flaws. So that you dun have to swallow your vomit, everytime you look at my face. And I wear those loose tees to spare you from looking at the DISGUSTING expanse of fats that my bones seem to be clinging to. But I cannot keep up with appearances. It is driving my insane. And I am tired.

I am tired.

I have to detach myself. Slowly. Maybe then the feelings of loneliness will evolve to mere emptiness for which I will eventually get used to. My family is not one that would shower me with love. My friends are too busy with their own lives to care. And why should they?? Am I so important that I should be in their thoughts? And invading their lives like some sort of plague? NO. even I know I don't deserve it.

So let me think about myself for myself. And spare everyone the agony of thinking about me. Only I have to bear the horrid routine of waking up to THIS ugly face. No decent person would love me enough to be afflicted with that torturous routine.

I just want to hide myself. I just want to disappear from this world. No one will have to know. No one will care. If I hide or disappear, won't the world be a much more beautiful and better place? And yet, I drag myself to work and put on that fake mask. I keep fooling the world. I keep lying to everyone.

And the hate just continues to build.